June 2017 Behind the Bubble

I want to encourage work outside the home moms who didn't get a chance to share their story, to do so in the comments. In 1985, I had to get special permission from the principal so that my child could stay for lunch since I was working full time. At that time, the principal "encouraged all children to go home for lunch because it was better for them." In the early 2000's, my husband was a stay at home dad since he was disabled. He was involved with the PTA, while I was working two jobs. Oh the stories he shared with me! Thank you, Jason for highlighting the difficulties that working outside the home moms have been experiencing for years.

Beyond Brownies – Mt. Lebanon Moms Who Work 

Outside The Home Tell Their Story

by Jason Margolis

The title of this article, as well as the idea for it, came from 3 different Mt. Lebanon (MTL) residents. They are all women who work outside the home, and shared with me the difficulties they have faced with the Stay At Home Mother (SAHM) culture they see as glorified within MTL. Specifically, because their contributions to school events (like bake sales) were often necessarily different from others, they said they were often made to feel like outsiders.

In trying to understand whether this was an idiosyncratic 3-woman phenomenon, or a sign of a larger and more problematic social trend, I put out a call on MTL Nextdoor to see if any working-out-of-the-home MTL moms wanted to share their experiences.

Dozens of women responded to Private Message me on Nextdoor, or contacted me directly. Several, however, just gave a quick 1-2 sentence response supporting the idea of the article and to briefly mention their experience, then stating that they would not have time to complete the full survey.

Ten women agreed to respond to the full survey – and most had a lot to say. This article is their story (* note: while 2 of the respondents approved the use of their real names, to help de-identify those who wished to remain unnamed, all names used here are pseudonyms).

Because of space limitations, I cannot publish in full each response but instead excerpt sections that represent the essence of their experiences – both individually and collectively.

While most of these women enjoy and appreciate living in MTL, there are several common, somewhat harsh, lived realities they endure. This includes: 1) being socially ostracized by SAHMs; 2) the lack of affordable and varied after school care for their children; 3) frustrations with half-day kindergarten, with these feelings being partially ameliorated by the privately-owned Mt. Lebanon Extended Day Program; and 4) Facing additional differential treatment if they are single working moms and “transplants” to MTL.

Overall, these women do not regret their working-and-parenting-related decisions and the positive example they believe they are setting for their children.

Adeline – Why isn’t daddy at the pool?

“… the moms at the school and cheerleading (and we are talking about girls in 2nd grade) definitely have their clique. I've tried to be friendly and join in conversations but they are not interested in adding new people to their circle. Not only do I work full-time but I'm a divorced single-mom who is self-supported via an excellent job. Many people in MTL (not just women) seem baffled that I (1) would get divorced and (2) that I could support myself. One example I remember is when I went to purchase a pool pass for myself and my 2 kids. The woman couldn't understand that it was only 3 people total, 1 adult and 2 children. She kept asking about a husband or father. It was a bit annoying. When I moved into my previous residence many neighbors didn't seem to understand that I was separating from my husband and looking for a safe place for me and my kids … I've never lived in another community where being divorced was such a foreign concept. As for the PTA and volunteer events at the school, most of those occur during work hours and then when you don't volunteer and participate you're ostracized.

The school district definitely is not in favor of working moms. I've been fortunate enough to have my daughter enrolled in the MTL Extended Day program but that isn't affiliated with the school. Being a single mom means I don't even have the option to stay at home and take care of my kids as I refuse to "live off the system" when I am capable of working. The fact that they still have half-day kindergarten is causing me heartburn as my son will start in the fall. I'm praying I can get my son into the Kindergarten care at EDS because if I don't I have no idea what I will do. I'm not from the area so I don't have a big network or moms or friends or family that could help in that situation.

Despite my complaining I LOVE living in MTL … My only complaint living here has been the way the other ("non-working") moms treat newcomers and working moms. I am proud to be a working mother and I want my daughter to see me as a strong independent woman and know that she can grow up to be the same way.”

Ella – Eating Cupcakes With A Plastic Spork

I was born and raised on the North Side of Pittsburgh to two high school educated parents. I was not born with a silver spoon in my mouth, more like a plastic spork. We were a typical blue collar family, who lived pay check to pay check … Mt. Lebanon seemed light years away from where I grew up in the 80's. I used to sell beer out in this area in the early 2000's. I used to drive around the neighborhoods while working out here, just in awe of the beauty. I loved the stone homes and community feel. It felt like a country setting only 15 min away from the city. Although, I was young, single, with no kids, I knew someday that all would change. I remember driving around repeating to myself, "I want to raise a family here someday, I would love to live here." I never told anyone and kept my thoughts to myself. It seemed like an unattainable dream, at the time, in a land far far away from my reality.

When we moved here we only had one daughter at the time ... I worked at a restaurant in the Galleria and this is where I started to understand my new community. Many people from Peters, USC, and Lebo dined at the restaurant. Although I felt that "The Housewives" looked down upon me as a server, I was too old to feed into their bullshit … Instead of commenting on their 6 carat diamond rings and black card, I commented on their children's respectful behavior or how beautiful their family was. My comments brought huge smiles to their lonely hearts and botox faces. I got a "feel" of what is important to people around here and it wasn't even on my radar. People would tell me that they paid $500 for a bookshelf at a galleria shop, and I used to say, “wow, I got the same thing at the thrift store for $10 and a can of paint.” I knew that I was always going to stick out like a sore thumb in my new area.

I remember the day that I had to take my daughter to her first day of Kindergarten. She went to the afternoon class, since I am not a morning person. That also meant that she would be dismissed with the rest of the school … As we were nervously waiting at the front door, with the rest of the K parents, I heard a dad say to his son, "If you do that again, I am going to strangle you." My jaw dropped. My jaw dropped not because I was offended by what he said, my jaw dropped because I knew that he was not born and raised in Lebo. I didn't know if I was about to hug him or I was about to High 5 him!

He proceeded to tell me that he grew up East of the city and attended a familiar city school. Like myself, he grew up getting his ass beat … We still remain good friends 3 years later.

This "Time Out" and "Play Date" [stuff] was all new to me. In the city, the only "Time Out" that you got was when your ass got hurt from getting beat. We didn't have a "Play Date," kids just played outside with the kids in the neighborhood, until the street lights came on. It was a whole new world to me Livin La Vida Lebo, as I refer to it. It is no surprise that my circle of good friends in the area were also born with a plastic spork in their mouths.

Fast forward to now, my daughter is finishing 3rd grade and my son will enter K this fall. So much has changed with our family. My no-nonsense attitude and entrepreneurial spirit finally lead me to where I belonged, being a Mom'preneur … I have been renting my whole life because I am a rolling stone. Now that I am a mother, I finally have found a place that I want to grow roots and it is Mt. Lebanon. I cannot see myself anywhere else. The education, the location, the community, it's the perfect tri-fecta! I need to work on my dreams so that I can plant those roots deeply for my children, buying a cool home in a beautiful neighborhood and creating a family business that I can pass along. I love Mt. Lebanon. I still get jokes from my North Side friends and family about living in "Cupcake Land." I love my Gluten Free, Dairy Free, Peanut Free, Cupcake Land. Although we have been renting, I love that the trolley is outside my door. I love that my neighbors are down to earth and caring. I love that I found more of "My peoples." When the time is right, we will purchase our home in Lebo and that will be icing on the Cupcake, fo sho! It doesn't take a village to raise a child in Mt. Lebanon, it takes a Bakery. Being a Mom is never easy, even in "Cupcake Land."

Florence – Sometimes An Emptiness In The Air

“I used to hear a few comments at PTA meetings, like “The stay-at-home moms do all the volunteering”, even though that wasn’t true. And I was never intentionally ostracized, but my experience at PTA meetings and in school activities was that all the other moms knew each other and formed little cliques, whether they were working moms or not, and if they didn’t know you, they didn’t make you feel welcome or invite you in.

Because I worked for 36 years, I never had time to get to know people in the neighborhood and all my friends were co-workers who lived all over the city. I got to know a few of my son’s friends’ moms, and became actual friends with one of them, but other ones were not responsive when I reached out in attempts to form a friendship. Were it not for my husband and son, I would feel very alone in my house, because all my neighbors are introverts and no one invites anyone to their houses or makes any attempt to reach out. I don’t feel a part of the community or any sense that this is a community at all because the neighbors all stick to themselves. It may depend on who lives on your street.

I am aware that some streets have “block parties” and the neighbors seem to all know and enjoy each other and frequently socialize. Not so on our block … I was very glad that Mt. Lebanon had a great daycare center in “Kids Are Us” … They watched my son for two years before he went to kindergarten. My sister watched him up to age 4. Also glad they had the Mt. Lebanon Extended Day Program through the fifth grade. My son went there after school and I was always secure in the knowledge that he was safe.

Mt. Lebanon is a wonderful, picturesque, safe neighborhood with plenty of resources and activities … [except the] lack of community feeling and closeness in my neighborhood where everyone keeps to themselves and there is sometimes an emptiness in the air.

Hazel – A Social Pariah At Pick-Up

“I've had a couple of experiences that I would label as gentle shaming, which has included another mother saying to me, "I don't know how you go to work. I don't think I could leave my daughter with someone else." Another mother commented, "You just seem so busy that we didn't know if we should contact you about (scheduling a group play date, contributing to the teacher's gift, organizing a bake sale, etc.)". I've definitely felt the ostracism. When I am able to pick up my daughter from school, since I don't know the other parents as well as they seem to know each other, I feel disconnected and a bit like a social pariah …

I would love it if Mt. Lebanon could sponsor all day camps for elementary children in the summer. The camps they offer are generally morning camps, and it is difficult to occupy the day for your child when you only have the mornings scheduled. I wish they would also offer a greater diversity of camp opportunities - based upon specific themes or skills - like I have seen offered by the JCC.”

Holly – Of Course I Miss Them

“Most recently, I sat at kindergarten orientation with a mom I kind of know. She sat with other SAHMs, and I was the only working mom. When I began asking questions (that identified myself as working) of the principal, the mom I know shifted in her seat as if to separate herself from me. Now this could have been because I was asking hard questions of the school district and of the “way things have been done” and had nothing to do with the fact that I work full time in addition to being a mom. What I found really interesting about this setting was that it was quite clear that most of the parents in the auditorium that day had taken time off of work, as I had. More often than not, I find myself among parents who also have jobs, either full or part-time. This leads me to wonder about the actual numbers of SAHM in MTL – are they really the majority? Of course this could depend on cohorts…perhaps this is true of moms whose first children are just now entering the public schools? Or perhaps it’s true of particular neighborhoods?

In other settings, I’ve been shamed, perhaps unintentionally, by moms who often wonder how(if) I do it…meaning both balance work and parenting. There often seems to be an underlying message: well, if you didn’t work maybe you could cook more/clean more/get more creative with your kids, etc. Other moms also want to know how I leave my kids for long periods of time every day. I get asked a LOT, “Don’t you miss them?” It’s a frustrating question. Of course I miss them – I didn’t have kids by accident but my circumstances and my desires are such that I work full time. And guess what? I still parent full time, too. It’s not a role that can be switched off just because I head to the office.

And that means I’m not likely going to fundraise, bake cookies, or spend a whole lot of time on evening and weekend events, especially those that my kids aren’t interested in doing … So, don’t take it personally when I reject your offers or your requests, and certainly don’t assume that I don’t prioritize my kids …

And yes, we all need to be supportive of one another. But it’s not enough to say that “we’re all mothers” because we are all different. To ignore difference is ignorant. We face different challenges based on our personal and social contexts. We approach those challenges differently based on so many different things. MTL might not be a racially diverse place, but is has its diversity of situation. In our neighborhood we have working moms, stay at home moms, single moms, moms whose husbands are not present for one reason or another, and even moms who have nannies who are home with them… and that just scratches the surface … It would be easier if we stopped judging others and ourselves.”

Ladora – It Helps My Mommy Guilt

I think my son feels the effect of me being a working mom in MTL. Sometimes he would like to participate in MTL activities associated with the recreation center with his friends but the majority of activities are during working hours.

As a working mom, I truly appreciate the Mt Lebanon Extended Day program. My son attends both morning and afternoon care. He loves it which helps with my mommy guilt knowing that he spends a good amount of time at school during the week.

In addition, I appreciate my [particular] PTA. They balance meetings and events to accommodate both working and stay-at-home mothers.

Linda – Stuck In The Middle Without You

I was just finishing up grad school to earn a master of science in counseling psychology when I found out I was pregnant after being married 17 years and told I could not become pregnant. I was working full-time throughout my schooling as a computer programmer for a large corporation. It took me seven years, year round, 2 classes per semester to complete the required 48 credits … Because much of my education and experience focused on sexual trauma and abuse and thus learned how much more prevalent abuse was (tragically), my husband and I were reluctant to have others care for our child. Thus, it was decided that one of us would stay home to raise our child. As I had planned to transition into another occupation already, I was the person chosen to be that stay-at-home parent.

After being home for 6 months with the baby, I returned to school to complete my internships working only 15 works per week. Once I obtained my degree, I began working towards acquiring my license. As strenuous as working towards my degree was while maintaining full-time employment, work towards licensure was much more arduous! Adjusting to a baby within the marriage, at the age of 43, and facing the prospects of maybe never obtaining licensure was stressful.

As a part-time worker outside the home, I've also been shamed/ostracized by full-time workers for wanting/needing to be a stay-at-home mom (even if part-time) as my contributions to the occupation doesn't warrant much weight or is not taken seriously. I've experienced this attitude from both women and men in my occupation … Comments like "well, I'm not sure you are really dedicated to this field," or "you can't be very effective then" are said. Other times, I am simply not invited to participate in the peer consultation group again.

As far as feeling outcast by the stay-at-home moms, I haven't experienced or heard any direct comments by any one person, although I am often not included in various events -- only after someone might realize that I've found out about the event, then I might be extended an invitation.

Martha – Good Luck Being Let Into That Group

When my daughter was in elementary school, it was staggering how many mothers stayed at home. On the occasions when I took a day or afternoon off for an appointment or to help out at the school, I frequently heard from one of the Stay-At-Home-Moms, "What are YOU doing here? I thought Sally went to Extended Day!" as if I was encroaching on their turf.

Some of the moms who stayed home had my back. But I can count on one hand the number who did.

The good news is [my daughter] has grown to be independent and responsible and a very well-adjusted young lady.

I think that each family makes the choice that is the best for them. Whatever that choice is, we all need to respect that. I never felt internally as if I was abandoning my child or slighting her in any way for not being there to pick her up after school. By working, I am showing her that you can have a family and a job at the same time.

I felt a lot as if I were back in high school with the cliques, like I just didn't measure up. They were all friends, and since I worked, I wasn't part of that. Good luck being let in to that group. I hope that this survey will encourage those who do not work outside the home to be more accepting of those who do. We need to support each other and not tear one another down. What example are we setting for our children?

Rae – I Don’t See A Community Here

I have lived in MTL for a little over two years …I have a love/hate relationship with Lebo … I would rate the environment at a 3 for any type of mother that is not a SAHM and married.

I am a single mother in addition to being a working mother. I was ostracized at my own child's birthday party. I feel that most of it is more subtle. What I experience most is people simply acting as if they don't hear you. It's really rather amazing. I would also say that my child's father is not treated in the same manner as I. It is more acceptable for him to be a single and working father. In chaperone and birthday events, I am generally ignored completely. Working mothers do speak to me.

I have seen the same practice in my neighbors. I grew up in rural PA and lived in various neighborhoods within the city of Pittsburgh for 15 years prior to moving to Lebo. I do not know my neighbors. I did when I lived anywhere else. We spent time together and helped one another. I do not feel the same sense of community here … the level of entitlement and poor treatment of others I have experienced here is mind blowing and not something I have experienced anywhere else. This is my personal experience and the experience of those close to me.

I'm here for the school district and I truly hope now that I haven't done my child a disservice in allowing her to grow up in this environment rather than one with more diversity. All I can do is instill values that are important to me and my family and hope that resonates with her more strongly than what she may experience as a member of this "community." I don't see a community here and if it exists it feels a bit too Stepfordish for my liking.