Behind the Bubble – August 2017:
Mt. Lebanon’s Forgotten Families
by Jason Margolis
After the publishing of the June 2017 BtB’s
Beyond Brownies, I was contacted by multiple MTL residents. One, a MTL stay-at-home-mom and personal friend, said the piece did little to truly advance the dialogue or bridge the social gap between women in MTL. Most, however, said it shed light on an important issue by articulating what many experienced but were afraid to share.
During this time, I was also contacted by several families related to another, perhaps more insidious, issue in the community. They also wanted their story told.
It began when one family met me at a coffee shop to share horrific stories of how their child with special needs was treated in MTL. They spoke of bullying, sexual harassment, and then retaliation against the kids themselves by teachers, classmates, and other parents. School psychologists were said to make things so miserable for these families that they would move out – a tactic designed to maintain the gap between MTL’s “haves” and “have nots.”
Then, days later, I received an email from another family with a similar story. They had a child diagnosed as “mildly autistic,” later to be re-diagnosed as “high-functioning Asperger’s.” He was said to experience cruel and unrelenting bullying by administrators, teachers, and peers. A once-happy child became depressed, stressed, and lonely. As the bullying evolved into shunning, the family finally moved out of MTL and only then did things change – dramatically. Once out of MTL, the family found more “real” diversity, and their child blossomed into a happy, successful, young adult.
Both families, after sketching out their stories which spanned over a decade in MTL, then decided that this emotional catharsis was enough. They did not want to risk re-experiencing the pain and bullying and shunning by being “the story” again.
At that point, I thought my August BtB would be about the “almost” telling of stories in an icy climate of fear – a similar theme across several of the BtBs. But then, I was contacted by Charma – who wanted to go a little further.
Charma had initially introduced herself in an email to me which largely echoed the stories of the other families: “My eldest is also special but his needs are invisible. Some of the reaction and treatment from the hens [my term] is just saddening.” While Charma had originally moved to MTL, like so many others, for the well-funded school district – she quickly became disillusioned. Charma found herself forced to the “outside” for being a mother who has to work for her family to pay the bills and for being a mother with a special needs child:
As a parent of a special needs child, we aren’t included. Because I work, we can’t go to ‘lunch time spinning class’ and coffee brunches. I work not by choice, I have to work. My front lawn is covered in kids’ toys, no lawn guy comes, no maid comes. We do it. I don’t have the luxury to talk about house additions and its ‘architectural integrity’.
Charma added that it was the “mother hens” – those who collect friends like they are in high school by designating who is “in” and who is “out” – who did the most excluding based both on class and “difference.” She explained:
They have private patio conversations about renovations, vacations, multiple camps for kids, housekeepers, lawn service, how successful their kids are… which is great, we should all be proud of our kids …But there is definitely a concerted effort to exclude those who do not fit that mold. They are like a vulture on meat to decide who is included.
And yes, there is a master plot … delineated by class … If you are on the ‘in street’, you are included … if you meet the criteria, money-wise, you can be included … otherwise, they physically create a physical barrier that you cannot get into … to give you the feeling you are wasting their time, that you are not to their caliber. They are the cattle corral. The hens. Because you can’t join in the remodeling or housekeeping
conversation, you end up standing there, with nothing to say … and they never invite you
in… and I am an extroverted person. But when I try, I get cut out.
Charma’s stories of groups of MTL residents socially and physically creating barriers to exclude others not in their clique echoed that of several working mothers I spoke with for June’s BtB
Beyond Brownies. So did Charma’s growing feelings of isolation, in part based on class and relatedly, because she had to work during the day.
But it was what has happened to Charma’s child in MTL that was most notably severe. As one example, she told a story of a visit to a MTL coffee shop where it became clear that “Special needs kids are not accounted for well by the school or community …A groups was irritated by our presence … they scoffed and sneered at us because the kids were ‘too loud’. One of them said ‘good riddance’ when we left.”
Ironically, it was the MTL school system they had moved here for where her child received some of the worst treatment. Charma explained:
The schools are not good with special needs kids. They engage in public shaming. They tried to put him on pills as the first intervention when he was 6 … Many principals are not well-trained. After years of trying, we finally got an IEP in. I emailed the Principal and nothing happened. Then, I emailed the Special Ed Director and told them that I know the law. Then things started happening.
So why did Charma tell her story more publicly, when the others – with similar stories – had started and stopped? Charma wants to help things change – and she hopes this will start a conversation.
